Husband vs Wife

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

… With Idiot For Ever

 

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,

So I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one everyday.

 

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

 

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

 

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.

So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three?

Husband: For you and your parents

 

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A lovely Push…!!!

 

 

 

Think twice before you answer

Husband came home late at night from a party.

His wife shouted: How would u feel if u don’t see me for 2 days?

He couldn’t believe his luck.

He replied at once. ‘That would be great..!”

Monday passed & he didn’t see her.

Tuesday & Wednesday passed too.

On Thursday the swelling was better &

he could see her from the corner of his left eye.. !!

Effects of working in IT

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys..!
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Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants . And as I finished..
… I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand..!
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Once I was on a call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, “Why is she not attending the weekly status call?”
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I don’t login to facebook, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home… thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize – I am at home..!
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Yeah sometimes it does happen to me too..
keeping hands in front of tap waiting for water to drop by itself is very frequent with me. I just forget we have to turn on and off the tap….
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Once after talking to one of my friends
I ended the conversation saying, “Ok bye…in case of any issues will call u back”
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Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it’s in the recycle bin ! ____________________
Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab….pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg….. I replied 256mb….thank god he didn’t notice..!
___________________
And I – after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen…

Man and Blue Ones and Zeros

Marriage


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say it’s not quite as good as his mother’s

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then get a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want…

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then get a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

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… then get a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

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… then get a dog!

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually…
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… then get a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness…

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… then get a cat!

 

Stop Thinking Selfish

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The pig sympathized, but said “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The cow said “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many! people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember:
• When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
• We are all involved in this journey called life.
• We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
• Each of us is a vital thread in another person’s tapestry.

Conversation with God

 A Sweet Little Buddhisht Monk’s Prayer to God. (here I denotes that Boy).

.I told God: Let all my Friends be healthy & happy always. God Said: But for 4 days only.

I said: Yes, Let them be a Spring Day, Summer Day, Winter Day & Autumn Day God Said: 3days

I said: Yes. Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow God Said: No, 2 Days

I said: Yes, a Bright Day ( day time) and a Dark day ( night time) God Said: No Just 1 day!.

 I said: Yes !. God Said: Which Day? I Said: Every Day in the Living years of all my Friends.

God Laughed and said: All your friends will be healthy & Happy Every Day

By arasur Posted in god

superb english

Principal to student…” I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette…? ”

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Class teacher once said :

” pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!”

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once hindi teacher said….”i’m going out of the world to america..”

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“..DON’T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..”

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dont..laugh at the back benches…otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down…..

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it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

” why is fan not oning” (ing form of on)

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teacher in a furious mood…

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

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“shhh… quiet… the principal is revolving around college”

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My manager started like this

“Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids”

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“I’ll illustrate what i have in my mind” said the professor and erased the board

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“will u hang that calender or else i’ll HANG MYSELF”

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LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ,” IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE”

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Chemistry HOD comes and tells us…

“My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter”

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Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

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“why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!”

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

“I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

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Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

“Keep quiet, the principal has passed away”

By arasur Posted in jokes

never stick to same job for a long time

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the hell out of me!”.

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…

MORAL:
Do not stick to one job for a long time!

By arasur Posted in jokes

engineers vs doctors

 7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.

So they both gather at Pune Station.

Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.
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SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :

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7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..

Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come……

When TC arrives,

All 7 Engineers get in one toilet So when TC knocks , one hand come
out with the ticket and the TC goes away….

—————————————- ————————————————

NOW on return Journey All of them don’t get a direct train to PUNE.
So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they
can
easily get a LOCAL to PUNE
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SCENE 2 (MUMBAI – LONAVALA) :

——————————————————————————————————–

Doctors decided, “this time we will prove that we too are
equal”….All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket. Engineers don’t buy any ticket at
all!!!!!..

TC arrives….

ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One
Hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg.
Bathroom…

TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily
fined

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SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA) :

—————————————————————————————————————

SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their
move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same(1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets…Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this
time…

SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets…..

Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train………..

By arasur Posted in jokes

What should I do to marry a rich guy

Dear Friends,

This one is amazing..  Economics of Beauty Vs. Money

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.I’m 25 this year.I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who doesn’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

—– Now the awesome reply given byMr.J.P.Morgan, CEO:——– –

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of ‘beauty’ and ‘money’: Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset.. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a ‘trading position’. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or ‘leased’. Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in ‘leasing’ services, do contact me…

signed,
CEO
J.P. Morgan

By arasur Posted in jokes